“I want to go to sleep and not wake up, but I don’t want to die. I want to eat like a normal person eats, but I need to see my bones or I will hate myself even more and I might cut my heart out or take every pill that was ever made.”
– Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls
Okay, so the quote may have turned you off a bit. It may have been a little bit of a shock or a trigger, but that was kind of the point. I put that quote on this post because as I was struggling with depression and anorexia, that’s how I felt. Heck, I still feel like that sometimes. It’s not fun. It’s not glamorous. In fact, it’s life draining and unimaginably difficult. But, I’m here to tell you that it gets better.
I may not be fully healed. I don’t think one can be completely healed from feeling these things in their life. In fact, I’m relapsing as I’m writing this post. But, I have definitely gotten better. It’s not an easy journey. In truth, it’s annoying and discouraging. One moment, life seems fine, and the next, it’s not.
Sometimes, you’ll feel trapped in a bubble. It’s just you and your thoughts. Those demons that are hiding within come out and torment you to eternity. You’ll feel defeated, broken, lost, and confused. The words “what is wrong with me?” will undoubtedly cross your mind.
I’m here to tell you that you are not broken and there is nothing wrong with you. This is a natural part of healing. It may seem like you aren’t but every time you tell those demons that they’re wrong, you are healing.
If you’re comfortable, it might help to talk through it with someone that you trust. It might help to journal. It might help to just forget all together.
Some days are better than others. Some days, life seems worth living. Other days, you just want to disappear. Your appetite goes away and relapse is on your mind. Sometimes, you hit rock bottom. Everything seems worthless.
I promise, you have worth and that worth is not measured by a number on the scale. That might be difficult to believe; it was difficult for me to believe. It’s still difficult for me to believe.
I promise, everything will be okay. You are okay. You are human and humans are not flawless. Society says that perfection is the goal, but as a human, and not a social construct, perfection is not a goal. In fact, perfection isn’t even possible. Instead of focusing on being perfect, focus on living a meaningful life. Find what makes you happy. Find what makes you live.
I hope you can take what I said and use it in your life to promote health and vitality. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please get help. I know it’s difficult, but I promise that it’s worth it.
Lots of love,